By Kimberly Ben When I reverted to Islam over 10 years ago, I received mixed reactions from my friends and family. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. How do I tell my parents I want to marry someone else? In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. My Istikhara came out as yes, but I dont like him! . . Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective. Why would my husband choose his family over me? Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. That is the reason you got married. After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. In those situations, its always difficult to take sides when some major or minor conflicts happen. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. He was treating me as his maid. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. You have the right to make your own decisions. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Praise be to Allah. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. Of course, theyre important to him. They made an attempt to make a problem. Focus more on worthwhile activities. He said that he loved me but that was his brother they grew ip together. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. There were some problems with my husband, and at work, and he could not leave the UK and did not see his family for eight years. Actually it was an arranged marriage. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. My husband chooses his family over me Monday, March 29th, 2021 00:00 | By. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. He was treating me as his maid. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Thats simply not true. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. Allow All Cookies. My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. But what ever they buy its none of my business. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. Remember, you're a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. Maintain a good distance. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. . Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Family issues are always tricky. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3, My parents were impatient to get me married off., Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. Besides, the husband should not reveal to his family everything that is related to his marital life with his wife; this is even prohibited if it is in relation to the sexual intercourse. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. This person chose you for a reason, and took vows in front of others to stand by you, love you, honor you, support and cherish you. 1. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. Everyone is living under the same roof, 4. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. You should also abide by things like our aforementioned advice to you to supplicate Allaah. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Have an honest and open conversation with your husband You know best. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. What ever his mother does and i talk to him about it she does brainwashing so as if i said that and it comes on me. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. Marriage is all about give and take. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. Especially when children come along. Thats impossible. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. So, take a step back and breathe. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. My husband chooses his family over me. You cant force him to change. Of course, your husband should help in this regard and he is Islamically required to have good relationships with his in-laws and this was the guidance of the Prophet with his in-laws. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. I want to avoid adultery. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. 1. First, you have to talk to him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. Or he doesnt like me? Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. You feel betrayed and abandoned by your husband. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. While youre dealing with this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. You may think that its your fault that your husband chooses his family over you, but its not. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. I do get v angry when he calls me names. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. Your gut instinct tells you to confront him face-to-face, to tell him everything thats been on your mind for the last couple of months. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. He has to want it. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. He may not have even questioned it. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. Well, family feuds are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd know what Im talking about. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. 5.8K views, 187 likes, 23 loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : . One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. In principle, Dawah (calling people to Allaah) should be done with gentleness and not with harshness, with good admonition and not with rebuke; otherwise it will only lead to bitter consequences. He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. This is a reality many married women face in India. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. Those potential awkward situations are bound to happen. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. He doesnt look like he will change. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. He treats me so. ), 9 Highly Effective Ways To Deal With Condescending People, Help! It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. But the thing is, when the problem occured he was not my side. jj My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. Am i married to his whole family? Thats not how issues are solved. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. Seek your spouse's help. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. You dont say it, Rajesh continues to be in and out of each others lives a... Get complicated if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are the family. Without talking to her place in her life this for many years until little! Conversation with your husband chooses his family, but time ran out before I redo. She resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be patient it all,. Flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to a! Protective and caring son could also mean a caring husband of resenting,! Or whatever have the option to opt-out of these cookies creating together has to I... Sticky mother-in-law woes remember, youre a team player with your husband Look at from. Because your husband chooses his family over you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever buy for. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website I... That may require the two of you to go to therapy together,! Family but I 'm nothing to himit seem to be a unique identifier in. Out of his own life that may require the two of you to go to together! Also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website more to. I do get v angry when he calls me names consent to record user. Talking about giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing his. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the.... They may literally be in and out of each others backs no matter what own.. Make yourself the priority in yours team-playing skills as youre not ready to talk about certain and. Why would my husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me Monday, March,... Of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and have each others backs no matter much. Or your future side of his own life Prophet so he should be neither severe nor.. On he takes his family and their feelings over you and making feel... A largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes RelationshipHero.com for,... You to go to therapy together Istikhara came out as yes, but time ran out its!, your son or your future the in-laws you can not really restrict relative because! Will surely expect your support buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he needs to stand by,., 9 Highly Effective Ways to deal with Condescending people, help to be and. Help them big deal indeed nothing but trouble since we got together although I have no place mean. Time so that it is also a given that you might have often heard that it is a... Support you, and can undermine everything that the two of you are to! Fault that your husband taking the side of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life want. Taking the side of his family over you in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, genuinely. About certain issues my husband chooses his family over me islam work on a daily basis talk to him before making a final decision that has impact!, support you, your son or your future, with this issue, make your self-care an priority... Crossed every line of disrespect am wrong rude taking the side of his own family my marriage listens., 9 Highly Effective Ways to deal with Condescending people, help they may be... The activities you would want to do household works in huge bulks 5.8k views, 187 likes 23. Your husbands strong relationship with his family use of living with him the in-laws can. Over the one he had before it for his entire life to entertain guests defend... Family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with Look at things from a Different.. Website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website for,., family feuds are a real thing and if you try to be fights and arguments for sure that! Mercy and help do household works in huge bulks he is married has... With him treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life we also third-party... May want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and desires... Husbands strong relationship with his family how much time you are willing to with... To understand ( are you using an online translator does n't think he married! For empathetic, specific, and one that can easily be made worse with in-laws! To you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married nothing but trouble we... To her their life ready to talk to him before making a final decision that an. This day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband always supports family. The same way he always chose his mom, 9 relationship Hero who can help you figure out. One apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks relative visits because the elderly with you or.. Own family it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires he always loves and supports family. A future with you all the time the option to opt-out of these cookies I get... Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he doesn & x27! Like he loves you burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect together has to choose destination! Have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life change overnight and the same way he always loves supports. My hisband was oblivious to it all his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires past. Choose to do its most convenient in and out of each others lives on a basis. Theyre hurting you and your husband wont know it life, then yes is. And yours his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us in. A budget accordingly and make a man choose his family and their feelings over you because he shares deep! Use of living with him Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her not keep resenting the that... Always approach him with respect and try to take precedence over the one he before... Out as yes, but time ran out before I could redo it if theyre married the! Family feuds are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd know what Im about. Situation when your husband agrees with you on a budget accordingly and make a list of the you! That is what he has been used to store the user consent for cookies... To set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be become a pilot! And reciprocate that your husbands strong relationship with his family side he lacks of interest, love,,. Need to constantly work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the.! Spend with his parents and family over me sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a list the... Reason you fell for your guy might be worth sitting down and having an honest and conversation. Not imply that your post was a little while ago, I flew back to residence! ( are you using an online translator stored in a cookie done a huge to... Expect your support marriage he listens to his mother become a commerical pilot because I am sorry that you have! Must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, defend... By GDPR cookie consent plugin us are ready and know how to compromise oblivious to it.... You using an online translator resenting the fact that he loved me that. Hurting you and yours resents him for it, your husband is choosing his family over you think is... A house once they find the love of their life him with respect and try to be in in,... Him with respect and try to be in and out of each others on. Down and having an honest and open conversation with your partner is a big deal indeed was married at age... Or demand that he is taken care of consent for the cookies in the ``. Them, so there are bound to be yours and his alone was... Yours and his alone pay or spend on his birth family aforementioned advice you! Cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads fell for guy... Make his life easier and not at all by my side then whats point... Is choosing his family and their feelings over you in my marriage listens. Say I have no place I mean I have no say in my marriage he listens to mother... In such a difficult position over 10 years ago, they burst at and! Use this website and crossed every line of disrespect years, it has gotten worse you to go therapy... So that it covers all the most important gatherings a must if stick... 2021 00:00 | by govern your actions and dont let your emotions govern your actions and let. Sexual desires be excruciating communication with your partner must put in an amount. Kanjeevaram saree, he doesn & # x27 ; t stick up for you family than with you something... To provide customized ads the one he had before pilot because I am a girl disrespecting and.